Never been good enough

In my mind
I've never been good enough
Never been able to stand up
To be counted...
As one of the gentler flock
Never have I ever felt strong
In any of my younger years
Through all of my solemn tears
I have felt lost and alone
Separated from the just 
Alienated from all trust
Yet I was just as pretty as the rest
Though not in my eyes
No; never in my eyes!
Now as I look back and wonder
As I honestly see myself and ponder
Was I any different from the rest?
Were my trials any worse that theirs?
Ah dear Lord I have always been
Less than; never as good
Please let it be understood
In my eyes I was the ugly duckling
The sad, little, lost and lonely
Never the happy; the comely
I was angry at the whole world
Dis-satisfied; yes; many a night I cried
Pretended to be happy but deep inside
I know I lied; I know I desired
To be like all the others...
The popular ones...
The pretty ones...
The taller ones...
The talkative ones...
But that could never be you see
For I was different...
The black sheep
Amongst the fairer flock
Painted with sin from an early age
Useless; or so I thought

Now as I am made to look within
Now as I pull back those layers 
Peer at the younger me
The one I would always see
Was the shy little teen
Too scared to say boo
Hoping that I could sink into the ground
Not be noticed; not be seen
Certainly; I was no beauty queen
My nose too long; ears too big
Horrid gold filling in my front teeth
I felt fat and ugly; though I was not
Tiny little girl I was
Five foot nothing; all skin an bones
Acted like a snob they said
But not in my head
I was terrified to be noticed
Did not want to be seen 
And yet...
I dearly wanted someone to notice me
Someone to love me
Accept me as one of the group

I'm almost 60 years of age
It is only now; at this late stage
That I am finally seeing some worth
Seeing some blessing instead of a curse

I have been under the thumb for long enough
Under the knowledge of being thought worse
Less than; substandard; what a curse
To be lost within myself
Stranded; feeling dis-ease
But through it all
I am who I am
The sum of all of my fears
All of my problems...
I wish them to disappear
I would see myself anew
A good person through and through
Doing the very best that I can
Accepting myself; according to God's plan