Threads and chains

I've broken many of those old chains

Using hammer and fine chisel too

I've managed to slowly chip away

At those things that held me to you

I was chained within my heart and soul

Hurt by all those things you said and did

Even though you've passed away; dead

I realise; you still control me in my head

All those many times you made me feel

Like I was worthless; less than human; see

I believed everything you told me; all you said

I was conditioned; trapped in this marriage bed

I know I made it with you; stripping off old sheets

Laying down the new: allowing you to rob me

Of my confidence; of my beliefs; of my sanity

For in my naivete I allowed you to control me

I was conditioned to react in certain ways

Fear made me feel thus constrained

For deep inside; I must confess; on many days

I was afraid of you; of your anger; pained

Now; as I am learning to live unchained

I am beginning to believe in "me" again

I am sawing through invisible silken threads

Balloons of pain; I release within my head

As these balloons slowly float up out of sight

I know I am now free at last; no longer must I fight

I release the pain of days gone by: yes it's true

Just as they disappear; I am slowly freed from you

No longer must I quietly walk; head bent low

I am standing tall; I know my pace is still slow

But I am cleaning out all the pain of my life

All those eggshells; laid by you; for your wife

Now don't get me wrong; please understand

There were many good times amid the bad

But somewhere along the line of life; I had to flee

Forgetting to hang on to all that was really me

Waiting for that day

You've been gone for over 2 long years
Yet still you bring us all to tears
We suffer still from what was done
How could you do that to us hun?
I know the choice was yours; am I unkind
But why punish those left behind
We loved you the best we could
Now please let it be understood
Nobody ever escapes their past
It only hibernates; it sleeps; it fasts
Until the beast rears its ugly head
Then there's nothing left to be said
Up it comes to consume all round
Ah dear Lord; can't bear that sound
The guilt that still comes to get us
Why would you think: it doesn't upset us?
Could we have done anything to change
How things played out; more than strange
But please listen to my voice honey
Life goes just exactly as it's meant to be
You might think you have control
But hear me; baby; life is a troll
It's is all in dear God's hands
Yes; everything goes; just as He plans
Your life is like into a huge, great app
God knows exactly where you're at
He knew you even before you were born
Knows your days; knows if you're stubborn
This He knows too; I'm just telling you
Follow through His plans for you
Our all knowing; all seeing omnipotent one
Gave us all His most beautiful Son
The plan of redemption is almost done
We all await the second coming of His Son

When we walk again beside the lake

We visit our loved ones
At the grave
Talk to them 
Act so brave
Tell them all 
Those things we do
But listen in
I'm telling you
They cannot hear
They are gone
They're no longer
On the telephone
Can't hear your words
No not a single word you say
They are asleep 
Until that day
When Jesus comes
When He arrives
That's when 
It all comes alive
Those who died
So long ago
Will be brought back
This is what they'll say
I was asleep
I heard not a word
Until the day 
Of our Lord
Then the resurrected 
Shall be judged
By their peers
The angels above
Many will be happy
Many more will be sad
For only those
Who kept the faith
Will walk again
Beside the lake
With Jesus our dear Lord
They'll be awake
In heaven up above
Yes it's true
This is Jesus' gift of love

Hindmarsh Island cemetery

From 1886 to 2016
Many buried loved ones here
From age 2 to 80
Youth; no barrier to death
Little children taken too
No guarantees given; none due
Life; a lottery for everyone
None knows our time
Do you?

Yellow

It started with a sore throat
I coughed until my head felt weak
Coughed again until my lungs grew still
Nothing helped my pain until
My eyes grew heavy; my head it hurt
I coughed until i felt so ill...
Then something moved, I spat it out
Felt like such a hue and cry over it all
But it was such a tiny glob
And it was all yellow...

I blew my nose till it was red
Felt like I'd burst blood vessels in my head
Ah Lord I've never felt so bad
No medicine was to be had
The doctor said it was a virus
Nothing she could do
I'd have to cough; maybe spew
I'd just have to see it through
Finally something escaped my nose
You'll guess the colour I suppose
And it was all yellow...

It's been more than 5 weeks in all
Thought I was recovering well
But my life had stalled
Never been this sick; if I recall
It came back with a vengeance
I'm telling you; felt like I would spew
Each time I coughed; dry retched too
Coughed, coughed and coughed some more
Now apparently I also snore...
This mucous I have come to see
Can't believe it's still coming out of me
And it is all yellow...

My sinus pain was through the roof
Bright yellow snot; infection's proof
Dizziness and stuffed up head
Spent so much time in my bed
Couldn't sleep; couldn't breathe
Need some magic up my sleeve
Tried "Codral" tablets; cold and flu
Then "Ease a cold"; herbal teas
It seems that there is nothing that will ease
This blasted, awful, horrible disease
Coughed up more and more
An it was still yellow...

My head cleared up for a couple of days
Thought to catch a few of the sun's rays
But rain clouds gathered everywhere
Gusty winds blew through my hair
Coldness creeps up through my bones
Wish this flu would disappear
Now I feel a popping in my ears
And still I'm coughing more or less
Nothing's really changed I guess
Still coughing; I'm colourful at best
And it is still yellow...

Who mothers the mother?

Who doctors the doctor?
Who nurses the nurse?
Are they patient patients?
Or are they a hundred times worse?

Who mothers the mother?
Who cares for her mirth?
She is ever kept busy
From way before the birth

Who fathers the father?
Who shows him the way?
When his dad died young
Who guides him along the way?

Who cars for the carer?
Who offers up their time?
When time disappears so quickly
Who sacrifices time after time...

Wear your scars with pride

Wear your scars with pride dear
Wear your scars with pride
You'll never see my tears dear
You'll never see my tears
These words you keep inside...

Wounds healed over with love dear
Wounds no longer raw and red
Scars streaked down your side dear
They show where you have bled
Your blood no longer flows...

Never been good enough

In my mind
I've never been good enough
Never been able to stand up
To be counted...
As one of the gentler flock
Never have I ever felt strong
In any of my younger years
Through all of my solemn tears
I have felt lost and alone
Separated from the just 
Alienated from all trust
Yet I was just as pretty as the rest
Though not in my eyes
No; never in my eyes!
Now as I look back and wonder
As I honestly see myself and ponder
Was I any different from the rest?
Were my trials any worse that theirs?
Ah dear Lord I have always been
Less than; never as good
Please let it be understood
In my eyes I was the ugly duckling
The sad, little, lost and lonely
Never the happy; the comely
I was angry at the whole world
Dis-satisfied; yes; many a night I cried
Pretended to be happy but deep inside
I know I lied; I know I desired
To be like all the others...
The popular ones...
The pretty ones...
The taller ones...
The talkative ones...
But that could never be you see
For I was different...
The black sheep
Amongst the fairer flock
Painted with sin from an early age
Useless; or so I thought

Now as I am made to look within
Now as I pull back those layers 
Peer at the younger me
The one I would always see
Was the shy little teen
Too scared to say boo
Hoping that I could sink into the ground
Not be noticed; not be seen
Certainly; I was no beauty queen
My nose too long; ears too big
Horrid gold filling in my front teeth
I felt fat and ugly; though I was not
Tiny little girl I was
Five foot nothing; all skin an bones
Acted like a snob they said
But not in my head
I was terrified to be noticed
Did not want to be seen 
And yet...
I dearly wanted someone to notice me
Someone to love me
Accept me as one of the group

I'm almost 60 years of age
It is only now; at this late stage
That I am finally seeing some worth
Seeing some blessing instead of a curse

I have been under the thumb for long enough
Under the knowledge of being thought worse
Less than; substandard; what a curse
To be lost within myself
Stranded; feeling dis-ease
But through it all
I am who I am
The sum of all of my fears
All of my problems...
I wish them to disappear
I would see myself anew
A good person through and through
Doing the very best that I can
Accepting myself; according to God's plan

Diamond tough

Can't tell you often enough
Though this life is really tough
I have found my diamond
Yes; my diamond in the rough...
You thought nobody could love you 
You heard so many tell this to you
"You are no good; you are flawed"
Yet I see great beauty; my reward
Is right here within eyesight
I only need to play my cards right
I see perfection within my grasp
Though you may feel you are weak
I see beyond your distant past
In your future; I see a mountain's peak
It is your dear love that I seek
Please let me in my precious love
I know God sent you from above...

We are all flawed

We are all flawed
All fall short of perfection
None can ever be
Perfect; pure; untouched
Life comes in; breaks us
Love may try to reclaim us
Love may retrieve us; remake us...
However hard we try 
We cannot "love" another well
We cannot live their hell
"If someone is fundamentally flawed
You cannot "love" them right"
No matter their plight
You can maybe mend what is visible
But how do you fix what you cannot see?
That just simply cannot be...
You cannot live in the past
Neither can you escape it
There must be some small residue
Some flimsy grasp that holds you
Like some super strong glue...
Unless there is a solvent
Some magic pixie dust...
Yes; we are all flawed; imperfect; broken
Yet our own flaws we cannot see
We hide behind our mirror
Reflecting what we choose
Until; finally; that painful reflection
Is reflected back; refracted...
Through truth; through honesty
Right back into our clouded vision
Then it is that we may truly see
And be seen...

Locks within your heart

Locks upon the fence
Locks upon the door
Locks within your heart
Locks within your soul

What use is such defence?
What barriers surround you?
Walled up; within; you're startled
High fences; your only goal

Locks upon the fence
Locks upon the door
Locks within your heart
Locks within your soul

Break down your defences?
What power do you wield?
Ever will you feel tenseness!
If you surround yourself with walls

Locks upon the fence
Locks upon the door
Locks within your heart
Locks within your soul

Unlock your heart my darling 

Give me the keys to your soul

Only you can lower your defences

When you choose to ease control

Locks upon the fence
Locks upon the door
Locks within your heart
Locks within your soul

Renovation rescue

I'm taking it all back to the basics
Down to the skeleton beneath
Right back to those bare bones inside me
I'm renovating the structures of my life
This cleansing; refreshing; catharsis
This new sensing of my reality
No longer am I the person I was
This ghost of my life; once residing
Within the child that was me
I am exorcising; I want to be free
No longer am I tormented...
I am finally where I want to be
This whole new flame within me
Right here; right under my skin
No longer am I the scared child within
I have broken down my fences
I have torn down those enclosing walls
No more fears; no more pretences
Confined I will no longer be
I am no longer that scared teenager
Frightened of life before me
No longer the old "fate blamer"
Now I am the lion tamer
Long hard whip in my grasp
Can't you see?
I'm taking control of my life dear
Letting go of past anger; hurts; unease
I will renovate my existence
Claim all of life's dues
Look forward to more than subsistence
Yes; I am moving forward
Ready to grab life by the horns
Look it in those dark eyes
I look forward to bright sunshine
To glorious azure blue skies
No longer the scared little girl
I am opening a whole new world...

The choices that we make

Each day I make my choice
Will I be happy or sad?
It's up to me to make a difference
It's all in the choices I've had...

When I remember the good times
Should I also remember the bad?
No use in going backwards
It's onward and upward my lad

Yesterday I was sad and lonely
There was only one thought to be had
Until I considered the options
Now I know I'd rather be glad

It's all up to you to my dear ones
Make your choices each and every day
Knowing that if you choose wisely
Only good will come your way

"Right or left at Oak Street?
That's the choice I face each day
I don't know what takes more courage
The staying or the running away"
Every man's life is a gamble
It depends on the choices he makes...
Roy Clark, Country singer, USA

Raindrops on roses

Watching raindrops on roses
One; I guess; supposes
Why does the rain drop stay?
Why not simply slip away?
Imagine the spectacle
Magnificence; en-capsuled
A crystal-like dew drop
Held transfixed...
Softly cradled
Betwixt one soft pinkish petal
And another...
Ah; I am enchanted
By God's glorious wonders
Yes; my human mind ponders
How such simple things can be
Right here; in front of me...

Scars upon my heart

I wear my scars 
As a physical sign 
Of adversity

The fact they are
No longer raw
No longer open...

Means they have healed
I have to move forward
I have to go on...

Just as my scars have healed
So will I...
When I move forward...

If I no longer dwell on the past
The trauma and pain
Will be forgotten...

Joy and peace 
Will be with me
Within me...

The scars have healed over
No longer weeping...
No longer raw

The rest is up to me...

Flu to you

Flu to you
Hate you too
Germs and stuff
Had enough
Get out of my head
Sick to death
Of coughing
Of wheezing 
Of feeling
Like this...

Portrait in sepia (GDS)

Young stranger; standing tall and still

Bare feet; grounded in the earth

Where did you come from?

What country gave you birth?

Young man; clean shaven; curling hair

Calm look within your eye

Your features; dark; brooding

White collarless shirt; no shoes; no tie

Young stranger; pigeon freely perched

Upon your outstretched hand

Stranger; grandfather; are you really mine?

What made you come to this land?

Young stranger; my grandfather

You look so out of place

Your suit coat looks far too big

But I see in you: a resemblance to my face

The owls of Mull

He sits

Preening himself quietly

Until she calls him

Urgently

Feed us; our babies crying

Hungrily

Wings

Soft feathered and silent

He hunts for her

For their four chicks

“Beauty doesn’t fill the pot”

She angrily decries

She watches

As he takes to the skies

On silent wings; stretched forth

Huge eyes; opened wide

He heads due north

Upon soft wings he glides

Hunting

Anything that moves

Seeking

Their next meal

Of these actions

She approves

When something's missing

There’s something missing

In their lives

Something you cannot see

Something you cannot touch

Daddy was cold and distant

Mumma never seemed to care

Too many days; merely existed

Too little love was there...

Physical; loving; gentle touch

Was something missing; rare

Where were those cuddles?

Everybody else seemed to get

Never felt quite abandoned

Felt loved and yet...

There was something missing

Was it a simple caress?

When he fell and hurt himself

Anger and harshness

Was all he seemed to get!

Daddy was distant

Growled out: not in anger

But neither was there love

He was always; himself; seeking

Something he could never find

A mother’s love was missing

His father; he never knew

Granny was the one who raised him

There was nothing anyone could do

He searched; forever empty

Seeking solace where ever it grew

Like a river seeking her sea

Keith Urban's words touched a chord
Such sweet sentiments; such lovely words
That's exactly how you make me feel
In your arms; my heart pounds; my head reels

Never thought I'd find such bliss
As when our lips meet in a kiss
Warm strong arms, hold me close
Leave me feeling drowsy; comatose

From turbulent heights I've fallen down
Like a young waterfall; cascading to the ground
Through teenage years; then meandering...
Into a mighty river; seeking her calming sea

All my life I've longed for this feeling 
Where my river meets the sea; bliss
Finding someone with whom to share my pain
Please; never leave me alone again...

Where the river meets the sea

Like a youthful river: we are
Damaging; erosive; turbulent
Until; in seeking to find our inner level
We calm down; grow up; feel free

Like its narrow V-shaped channel
We are narrow minded; seeing only
What our youthful eyes want to see
Fast moving; we only seek to be free

In our in-between stage; supposed maturity
We may be slower; travel at a gentler pace
Through life's undulating landscape; more hilly 
Seldom escaping from life's gravity; this rat race

Life; like a river; must finally slow down
Broad banked; relaxed, calm in its consistency
Wide flood plain; gentle sloping banks; slowing down
Gently meandering; seeking peace gracefully

Ah my life; like unto a mighty river
Now it finally seems clear to me
There within my fading vision
Here; at last; I've found my sea...

Tiny heartbeat

Tiny heartbeat within a feathered breast

Tiny little swallow; held within my grasp
I feel your fear; my dear little guest
I want to help you: want you to last
So I must chase you; capture you
Please little swallow; stay still; silently; I plead
I need to catch you; hold you; scold you
Outside; I will release you; will that please you?
Outside; your mother calls you: she loves you
She knows just how much this scares you
Who dares you to enter within this foreign place?
Please little swallow; make haste; come to me
Let me aid you; abet you; don't want to upset you
I just want to free you; want to let you escape

Locks upon a fence

Lovers place their locks
Upon the fence to say
"I love you honey
Till my dying day"
I guess the premise must be
As long as this lock stays here
You'll remain my precious love
I'll hold you in my arms; year by year...
Found one with a combination
The mind boggles with glee
Does he come; retrieve the lock
Bring another lover; under cover
Making believe that it's forever
All good till he's discovered

Afternoon visit to the cemetery

Drove down Sir Donald Bradman Drive
Beside the West Terrace cemetery
The wind was blowing up some dust 
Stirring through the eucalyptus trees
Thought it was time I visited again
It's been a few months I ken
A brisk walk; a silent talk
Some flickering memories...
Pretty white flowers blown about
Wind Whispering quietly
Thoughts of you in my head
Goodbyes said for eternity
There you lay; silently; in your dusty bed

It's raining slowly

It's raining slowly 
Upon land and upon sea
Wetting soil; wetting trees
Stilling animals; birds; bees
God given moisture; see
It's raining for you and me