The ferry landing

I was at the ferry landing
Just the other day
I was flipping back through time
My imagination at play
Remembering younger days
From a very long time ago
I had fleeting little glimpses
Of my childhood you know
Yes down at the old ferry landing
One was very over grown
The other being used to launch boats
It was there I was: all alone
I dipped my feet into the river
Just like I did when I was a child
I left wet footprints on the concrete
Watched them evaporate: it was wild!
That is how life is: if you like to ponder?
We may make our little imprints
We may like to think we are a wonder
But in reality: we are just fleeting incidents
Within this wide, wide universe
We are but a grain of sand
Our lives are of little import
In the grandest of God's plans

Down memory lane 2 Kingston-on-Murray

Drove through Kingston-on-Murray the other day
Thought to take another visit down memory lane
Passed our old house on that hill: it's there still!
The fruit trees have all gone, years ago: but for me
It is those beautiful trees I still see: in my memories
I remembered that fantastic old walnut tree: I climbed it
Took my children back a while ago: reclaimed it
So many things have certainly changed along that road
But for me I still see it as it was way back then: if you ken
Yes for me it is as if nothing has changed: just re-arranged
Yes it's just moved around a bit inside my head: registered

Called in to visit my uncle & aunt: she'd just gotten home from work
Uncle was at his precious bowls game: far away: too bad
We caught up a lot of missing years: oohed & ahed over the new babies
Exchanged addresses & talked of times gone by: you know why
It eases hearts to understand how time does fly: revisiting past days
Sharing those memories that linger still: feeling a little "over the hill"

Then as I wandered further down: watched the scenery passing by
Recalling times along my life's trail: yes it's all there: without fail
The cutting shed at Barich's, the road to the ferry: long gone away
Then I turned into that familiar road: still the same: not much has changed
Though there are fewer orange trees I must admit: still it resonates
It tears at my heart strings: so many good things happened here
We grew up cutting apricots, running around the property
Yes, with Roslyn, Jenny & Nancy: to name just a few, my brother Alec too
George & Gina used to visit here: at the hottest part of the year
Our families became as one as we traipsed around in the sun
I do remember all that fun: what memories we made: recalled again
Now as I sit here chatting with dear Laura & Gil Harrington
It all just starts coming back again: in dreams I came to find the girls
Through many of these memories I am here again
Being photographed upon a stool: Alec with his cowboy hat on
Thank you Mr & Mrs Harrington: your love through all this has shone
60 years you celebrated last year on October tenth: wow what an event!

Crossroads

I'm at the crossroads of my life
I need to make some decisions
Choose the direction I want to go
There is no turning back: to the past
I am escaping from there: fast
I need a new beginning: a new start
It is imperative for this pain-filled heart
I already know where God is leading me
But still it is a difficult time you see
I know I must clean out this house of mine
Move along to new pastures: heart & mind
I've got to get rid of all that holds me back
I must be on the path that heads the track
For my lord has shown me where I will be
And I want this as much as I need eternity!

Rainbow of colours

Red is for the blood red rose
Orange for the summer sunset
Yellow for the golden shimmering sun
Green for the new growing grasses
Blue for the purest summer skies
Indigo for the dark mountain ridges
Violet hues for the Buddleia tree
Seven colours of the bright rainbow
Collected together in one light show
All in all they comprise our light
Fractured, reflected, refracted: detected
Reflected through our very eyes
Guiding light to our earthly paradise!

Rainbow day

Feeling a bit down today
What the trouble is now
I cannot really say: I suppose
Stress is building up & up 
My mum is sick: no changing that
Hubby cannot get the drift
Of my pain: he will not shift
I 'll say that again: what a pain
So I bought a rainbow
To ease my cares: lest I slip
Into the doldrums un-aware
Yes I bought a rainbow: of pens
Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo & violet
All the colours of the rainbow
Held in my little hand: understand
The colours drew me: I had to buy
I can't really tell you why: but I did
I bought a rainbow to lift me up
To make the grey day slip away
To make the sunshine come out to play
To change it from a grey to rainbow day!

Smelling the roses

Today I smelled new roses
In glorious sunshine
Under azure blue skies
I walked along a new road
Trying to envisage a new day
I want a change: be somewhere else
I want to be someone else: normal
I am ready for a renewal of my hopes & dreams
That were lost along the way
Yes I am ready Lord: to escape
To spread my wings & fly away!
To be closer to you dear Lord
Yes! Closer in every single way

A new start

I'm looking for a new start
A new beginning maybe
A sea change: a tree change?
Something different: refreshing!
Releasing old tensions: old lives
I want to be free from the past
Yes I am ready for success at last!

Bullies: please hear my words

Hear my words they are for you
I am so disappointed in you
Why have you become so rude?
Thinking you have the right to intrude
Your mouth continues to exude
Horrid hateful slanderous lies
I see the contempt within your eyes
Malicious, mouthing obscenities
You will not see eternity: you lose!
For every word that utters forth
Will be recorded to your wroth
God and only God will be your judge
When opens up the book of life
All your utterings will be disclosed
Your foulness will be exposed to all
You will then fall far from grace
Yes lost and fallen: that is your place
Never more to see God's loving face

Return of the hawk

I was so overjoyed the other day
As I drove up along Sedan hill
I watched with a smile upon my face
For there; right in front of me I saw
That beautiful hawk I thought had died
Along with all the other poor creatures
Devastated by those awful bush fires
Oh Lord I almost cried with joy
To see my little hawk there: flying
Back at home just as it was before!

View from a hill

We were waiting on the hill
Waiting just until: that car
Would pass on by: but as we watched
We could clearly see something wrong
He was coming way too fast
We could see it happening in slow mo
I was thinking out loud: "oh no
He's not going to make it round"
Then we watched amazed; as it
Started to swerve and roll across
We were at a total loss: engrossed
Heard those awful crunching sounds
As the glass shattered with a tinkling smash
Finally the car stopped tumbling & fell
With an earth shattering crash upon the ground
It was still: we descended from our hill
Helped the poor young man escape 
Asked him if he was okay: thanking God!

Biblical plagues

We've had our fair share of Biblical plagues
There's been another little flood: just recently!
A month ago we had bush fires: passed us by
We prayed for the wind to change & it did!
3 years ago now we had that massive flood
Went right through our poor old home: literally!
There have been long, drawn out droughts
Where we have seen no rain for years: our tears
Those poor animals were dying for a drink: literally!
Mouse plagues were so horrible: they stink & writhe
Last year's crops were flattened by the wind so
We're headed for another of those: apparently!
I still remember when locusts came to eat everything
Every single blade of grass just disappeared!
Nothing was spared from their gnawing teeth
They were absolutely everywhere: no one was spared!
The blow flies are here every summer: no denying it!
I have no cattle to worry about so that's all right but
I hear those frogs still croaking in my cellar; just a few
The waters are still clear: hardly coloured with blood
And no-one has died as far as I know: thank God but
These times are a changing: more disasters occurring!
Everywhere we look at the news: the world is in turmoil!
Dear Jesus comes soon to take us home! A blessing!

Home alone

An amazing thing will happen this weekend
I will be home alone: yes all by myself
What is amazing about this happening?
It has not happened for many a long year!
Instead of me going & doing things
It will me left at home: all alone!
Well not exactly, totally all alone
For I will have my little dog Amy
She will stay right by my side: as she does
My precious pet always stays so close
Watching my every move with those dark eyes
Moving with me from room to room
If I go to bed she comes with me!
If I go outside she follows me!
Physically: no other human will be near but 
As usual my heavenly Father will be here
Yes! right here He lives inside my heart
Of this earthly temple he is a vital part!

I hear your voice

Madonna sang a song of old
I really love the words she says
I share those thoughts: I understand
How God does work: it goes as planned
"I hear your voice" the lyrics say
Well that's exactly what happens: hey!
I am so connected to my dearest Lord
I listen to His every precious word
I have this wonderful feeling 
"Deep inside of me"
Yes deep with my heart and soul
There is that mystery inside us all
It is a beauty to behold: amazing grace
Yes that is what it is to me
That wonderful blessing from my Lord!

I hear you Lord

You may think I'm crazy I know but
I hear voices in my head: I trow!
Sometimes I keep on repeating words
They never make any sense until
The message they were conveying
Becomes a reality: right there: for me!
I know it is really weird to say but
This is the reality for me: I ask for help
It comes to me: from where-ever it was sent
Dear God arranges for it all: you see
It will come if it is meant to be!

I only have eyes for you

My Lord you are strong

My Lord you are wise

How weak am I?

How small and light?

I only have eyes for you!

Yes I only have eyes for you!

I see in you the strength

I see in you the right

How useless am I?

How tiny and frail?

I only have eyes for you!

Yes I only have eyes for you!

An understanding heart

My dearest Lord has given me

An understanding heart

In my life to sustain me

No great powers endowed

Just the power of love for sure

For here is the power and glory too

To see inside another’s heart

And find the story there in deep repose

For then if I open up this heart of mine

Surely those who look will find

That my dearest Lord lives here inside

He claims this heart as His domain

This is what I gain; the plus!

This loving heart within my breast

Surely has been truly blessed

Only love will guide me so

Only my dearest Lord is in “The Know”

He sees inside my very soul

He knows all that inside me glows

My dearest Lord who gave for me

His precious blood that flowed so red

My sins He took upon His head

Oh dearest Lord I feel so high

Because that day that I did cry

T’was then I fully realised

What you truly did for me!

You left the wondrous heavens behind

You gave your life for all mankind

And as I cried my tears of pain

I finally saw how you were slain

Your purest heart gave up the ghost

Your body emptied; broken thus

Promised this to all of us

That when you left this earthly world

When your soul was taken up

Amongst the holy angels on the high

You promised that you would return.

In three days you returned to say

When the allotted time should pass as just

You would return and take us up

No matter what happened to our earthly crust

You would renew us from this dust

And then in blissful rapture blessed

You would take us up into your heavenliness

To live with you throughout eternity

That where you went, we would go with thee

Oh dearest Lord this thankful heart

Appreciates every tear and drop of blood

That from thy riven side did fall

Upon that earth beneath the cross

Accepting all thy blessings thus

Dearest Lord, how can we now?

Not accept your every vow

Given unto all who love thy name

Unto all who call upon your blessed name?

Dear Jesus, Light of all the world

Please let me accept your blessed call!

Right here and right now!

The Sower and the tree of life

A massive tree stands before me

Its branches full of birds at play

Some grow strong from lower down

Others soar into the azure sky above

Many branches are twisted and curved

Some are dry and rotting: yet to fall

Others stunted, broken: already dead

Green leaves vie with drier crumbling ones

A mistletoe lives and grows in strength

The bark is hard and cracked: peeling

Completely gone from other limbs

Ghostly white; splotched with grey

Many leaves lie upon the stony ground

They whisper in the warm breeze: as they fall

I marvel at this peaceful, majestic sight

For such is life as we live it

Some of us grow strong and tall

Others take the twisting turns of sin

Many have fallen along the way: lost unto the Lord

Others grow in strength; then crumble unto dust

Their only signs: their blackened stumps

This tree of life was once a seed

A tiny speck upon dear Jesus’ palm

The Sower chose to spread His seed thus:

Some here: some there

Sometimes it fell among the thorns and rocks:

Struggling to survive!

On occasion it fell to the birds;

Gone into their hungry bellies

Still yet: unto fertile soil

To grow apace and rise up strong:

A bountiful harvest unto the Lord!

A hint of green

There's a hint of green upon the blackened Sedan hills

Tiny pieces of life renewing after the pouring rain

The dust has settled again, dampened down you know

Staying put till God knows when: it all depends on Him

He decides how all things grow: He designed us after all

Within each tiny blade of grass as it springs forth

God has given life for us to look forward to: a rebirth!

A renewal celebrated all over the saddened earth!

For with the rainfall come the new beginnings: everything

Regrows: replaces old with new: a miracle in the making

Right now it is taking place: through God's magnificent grace!

Sweet Nectar

Sweet nectar; aromatic incense

Brings the honey bees

To all those fruiting trees

Butterflies do congregate

Flitting from flower to flower

Sucking up that precious juice

It's like a mini-race for power

Bees and butterflies; it's understood

Enjoy all the sweet nectars

Everywhere in the neighbourhood!

Renewing rain

We had bush fires just a month ago 
Burned our grasslands to the bone
Only rocks remained: dry dusty landscape
Desperate for a renewing drop: of rain
This week we've had so much water
Flooding down through those hillsides
The creeks overflowed: caused a deluge
My cellar is full of water once again
Frogs congregating: having a ball inflating!
It only seems a short while ago but
It's been three years: too soon for it
To happen all over again: I'm depressed
Who ever would have guessed
That here we are again: surrounded
By water: given no quarter: by this flood
I know I prayed for renewing rainfall
To help cover up those denuded hills
But dear Lord you sent too much!
I understand how nature works
The sun burns down upon our heads
Then refreshing rainfall comes again
To bring new growth: much needed 
I do agree but I did ask if you could please
Send some of this flood water up the road
Lake Moodie is still waiting: not appreciating
How much has come flooding overland to me!

By the hand He leads me 2

By the hand He leads me
By the heart He tugs
My dearest one
He's the one!
Many years ago 
He wasn't even here
But now I cannot live
If I cannot be near Him
Or hear His 
Precious loving voice
He has me by the heart
He takes me by the hand
He leads me where
He wants me to go
He is my sunshine
When the days are grey
He is that loving voice
Who calls my name!
"Daughter; hear me I say!"
"Daughter; come this way!"

Frogs in the cellar

There are frogs in my cellar
Swimming in that murk
They've been croaking all night long
Getting on with their work
I thought I heard them croaking
As I was trying to get to sleep
They kept on waking me up all night
As they were lurking in the deep

Trunk call to God

Remember when a long distance call 
Used to be called a "trunk" call
I wonder why that was so?
I know it sounds a bit weird but
Maybe it had to do with elephants?
Their trunks are long & of a similar distance
That's silly I know but I'm feeling silly
Yes I'm feeling a bit silly in the head
That's why I said what I said: trunk
No I'm not drunk! Just a little chunk of me 
Is missing you see: I'm just sitting here
Trying to think: trying to blink a bit
Letting it all sink in; the mess outside my door
The soggy carpets on the floor!
The mud that's everywhere again
Just like in 2010! Lord how do I cope?
What do I have to do to escape this mess?
Why do I have to go through this again?
Should I say it out loud? Why me?
No that's just not right! Where is my faith?
There must be a reason behind this too!
Some God-ordained result of my sins?
No that's not how it truly works! 
There are so many wonderful perks
Being close to my dearest Lord
I have it on His good word!
All things come to those who wait
But hang on a minute; what about this?
If all I have to do is think upon something
God hears & answers within a blink
He sends his angels to do His will
Where ever He sends they go: blissfully!
That is what I call a totally amazing trunk call!
A direct line to God in heaven up above
Yes that is correct: that is what we all have
All we have to do call him up: reverse charges
He doesn't mind for He is our Father
He loves us & wants to hear us call!
He's waiting for your call: call Him up!
No cost to you: just the effort of 
Swallowing your pride and asking!

Vanessa's photo shoot in Goolwa

My beautiful girl wanted to be a model
Encouraged by her photographer
We agreed to do a photo shoot
Way down south near Goolwa
We travelled to that lovely little town & 
Settled upon a pretty location
Under lovely old pine trees and 
Down beside the cold grey ocean
I sat & watched with Shelley & Michael
As it all went down: amazed at the scenery
But in reality anywhere would have done
For I felt that my girl was the pretty one
Anywhere she posed: yes everywhere we went
The view was great: for I was looking on
With motherly love and devotion!

Holiday in Goolwa

We had a lovely holiday down south in Goolwa
I remembered because I'll be headed that way
Soon it will be time again to have a little break
Down beside the seaside down Victor Harbour way
Last time we went we had a ball: with Nana Lindy
That was quite a few years ago now: Michael was small
He loved to make a lot of noise upon those wooden floors
That was such a lovely little holiday house we rented
The beach was just one street away: beautiful shores
Great big waves crashing down upon the sandy beach
We loved to go walking to explore: had swims too
Even though it was a little chilly: that silly wind blew
Wow what a wonderful little memory came rushing back
Just because something reminded me of that holiday!

Sticking point

Everyone has a sticking point
For some it is alcohol or cigarettes
For some it another man-made drug
Like speed or heroin: what ever it is?
It needs to be tossed into the rubbish bin!
My sticking point has been my self-esteem
Never really had any to speak of I guess
I felt like I was always somewhat less: than everyone
Like I was always second best: so out of it
Yeah I guess that's why I could never fit
Never had the notion that I had any motion
Any magic thing that could make me sing
Oh How I wanted to sing: dreamt of fitting in
In dreams I was always being chased away
I'd try to float but always had that sinking feeling
Felt those hands grabbing; dragging me down
Never letting me rise above that emptiness
The incompleteness: helplessness; lacking confidence
Yes that was always the story of my younger life!

Bricks and mortar

This old house is made of bricks & mortar 
Piled up until it becomes somebody's home
A roof is added, floors & windows inset too
Yet though it has been our family home
I can leave it behind now because I know
It will remain a place of memories: yes it will 
Still be remembered when I am long gone
Though we move around to suit circumstances
Though we travel through our time: here & there
It doesn't really matter where our feet do roam
For no matter where I may settle: it truly doesn't matter
Because our new house will be full of love & laughter
Yes the new house we choose will be our home!

Taking back my life!

I'm turning over a new leaf
I'm taking back my life!
I'm getting back my fitness
I'm taking back my life!
I'm giving up bad habits
I'm taking back my life!
I'm letting go of anger
I'm taking back my life!
I'm letting go of strife
I'm taking back my life!
More prayers for my family
I'm taking back my life!
More prayers for everyone
I'm taking back my life!
Yes I'm taking control
I'm taking back my life!
My God-given gift
I'm taking back my life!
Yes! This wonderful gift of life!

What was I thinking?

What was I thinking: after having my son?
All those years ago now: it has been so long!
Wearing those black leggings with a baggy T
How did I ever think it was a good look?
I guess I was in denial: out of my mind!
Thinking to hide my ballooning weight
Behind my unhappy smile (PND was my excuse!)
I did have Post Natal Depression: unable to cope
It was a difficult time to navigate: what a state!
Those feelings of unhappiness: self hate!
I thought it was just my age: after all I was 38!
Already had my two girls: thought it would be great
But I overdid it all the gym work: all that exercise
I couldn't see my plight: had lost my self-vision!
Looking back at that pregnancy photograph
My wan face; sunken cheeks: how could I not see?
It was right there in front of me: my eyes were blinded
Didn't even realise until it was too late: my fate
After that fantastic pregnancy; as depression kicked in!
Exhaustion from lack of sleep: too much on my plate!

God alone

If laughter will always be the best medicine!
And silence will always be the best revenge!
And love will always be all you need!
How come so many live in sadness?
How come so many cannot bear to laugh alone?
How come love can become such a disaster?
How come so many are so disaster prone?
Why is life so difficult when the answers are there?
Right before our very eyes: why will we not see?
Why will we continue in these miserable lives?
God has all the wonderful answers: He rules heaven
God has made it all so simple: for us is granted
A life eternal for ever to be by His blessed side
Yet man continues to ignore the blessings
Continues on his own merry little way
Ignoring all the Bible's answers: 
Ignoring God all their living days!
Lord there are so many lost along the way
They just cannot see the well trodden path 
They just have to struggle all the long, long day!
They just will not surrender all to you
They cannot see how much easier life is
When we give all our worries to you Lord
And just allow you to hold sway!

Staying positive

If a negative thinker sees 
Difficulty in every opportunity &
A positive thinker sees
Opportunity in every difficulty?
I know which I would rather be: 
The positive thinker of course!
I'd rather be the one with
The glass half full not the one
With the glass half empty
Yes I'd rather be seen & see
Everything with great possibility
Everything with a glowing chance
Everything with a life & vibrance
Yes Lord; that's how you created me
So that's how I'd much rather be!

Relax & live a little

Relax & live a little
Smell the roses today
Catch a summer breeze
Listen to the wind a-blowing
Rustling in the leafy trees
Hear little children's laughter
See their gorgeous smiles
Enjoy some quieter days of leisure
Watch the pleasant sun set's rays
Live in the present not the past for you
Never know what the next day brings
You never know which
Tomorrow may be your last

Wolf

Huge wolfhound
Slobbery tongue
Whip-like tail
He got you 
One way or another
Without fail!

Car jacked

Her car was parked safely at her home
Along a long & empty country road
Someone came while she was out
Took the whole wheel from her car
Had a flat obviously was stuck 
So used the jack & lifted it up
That old Ford car was her own
They took the wheel: what a dirty trick
Left it sitting jacked up upon a brick
No thanks for the help; no messages
No manners there; after all!
No not even a thank-you note
That callousness just takes my goat!

Hooked

Squirming
Squeamish
Restless
Miserable
Sometimes
It feels like
I am
A wriggling worm
Upon a fishing hook

Ode to Rosanne Bittner

I've finally found another soul: a fantastic writer who
Conveys the truth about the Indian tribes: their lives
Detailed & full to the reader's mind: devoured by my eyes
I want to know how these beautiful people lived
As they hunted & grazed upon the open plains
I want to understand how they lived & loved & died
How they prayed to their God above: how they cried
I am entranced by their simple yet accomplished
Daily living: never leaving anything go to waste
All was used; all was accepted as their God-given right
To live within their means around the pleasant countryside
All belonged to everyone: nothing was abused: all was used
To the benefit of those who dwelt within their God's world
Ah if only we who live today could appreciate the ways
Of those who lived before us: would their lives just bore us? 
No never in a million years I declare:
They lived better than we do today 
Simply because they appreciated every beautiful God-given day!

Kindred spirits

Why do kindred spirits have to roam?
Searching ever, always, for their own!
Always looking for their partner: sublime
Knowing all will come to pass in good time
Under moon and under sun: always on the run
Until that day they find their opposite: their sum
The alpha to their omega: the yin to their yang
Yes that all encompassing member of their gang
Yes that other kindred spirit: that old mate
The one who understands: the one who holds the gate
Without even speaking: without uttering a sound
You will find that partner: the lost will be found!

Soon...my Lord promises

My dear Lord has promised me so much
I was taken up by angels to look down upon this earth
I was shown so many wonderful things
My dear Lord has promised me wealth and much, much more
I wait upon His promises: they will come
When the time is right and not before
I was worried about how to get my poetry out
Into the whole wide world
My Lord said "Do not worry: they will come to you!"
Just as when I was taking the first lot of poems to the publisher
I said "But Lord I don't have a front cover photo!"
It was raining and the clouds just opened up and
The sun came out...that's how I got my photo!
Whilst at the publishers I said unto my Lord: in my head
(Worried about how I would pay for the printing)
"But Lord I don't have the funds!"
My dearest Lord replied "The Lord will provide!"
That's exactly what happened...
Two weeks later...whilst doing my phone banking
There was the exact amount...right there in my account!
Thank God for His promises: he is zealous of His work
Ask and ye shall receive! That is what I believe!

Tiny messenger

My grown up daughter confessed to me
That when she was a little girl of 6
After pestering me for ages (when I'd put her to bed)
She'd think of things to ask me for
"I need to pee!" "I need a drink!"
Just to get out of bed: just to have a reason to
Keep on getting out of that little bed
She was supposed to be asleep in bed
Resting her little weary head 
(I just wanted a little peace!)
When finally I'd had enough she'd send
Her little messenger: her little sister Shelley
She was so small; she knew she'd be all right!
Telling her what to say: what to ask for
So she wouldn't get into trouble
So she wouldn't make me more upset

Last night I watched as Santiago tried this trick
Getting up heaps of times; coming to the door
Telling his mummy about his sore elbow
His hurting leg, his sore eye where Zecarias poked him
Sometimes Zecarias would come; bearing the white flag
Telling of some little thing that needed to be done
Just like all those years ago when mum was my little one!

Soothsayer

Saw a soothsayer at the Loxton show
I must admit it was so many years ago
She held her hands above my own
Said that she could see into my future, my past
So I sat & listened as she mentally trespassed
She told me of my clock watching: this
It's true: I always used to do!
She saw me counting money: plenty of it honey!
Said I'd have 5 children -well 5 pregnancies at least!
She even showed me the number of the beast
For I was thinking: where does this info come from?
Who rules this piece of semi-reality?
I can't remember much else but I suppose, that'll do!
For she was correct in all those things
Yes all of it was true: I had 5 pregnancies
Lost two of my babies: the other 3 are grown up
And I do admit: I used to watch that clock
Needed to know what time it was
When I got up? How much I slept?
Those crazy hours I kept
When my kids were young!
Isn't it just amazing how it all works out
For though we are so good: there is more out there!
Than even we realize: God up in heaven
Satan down here on earth: these two & their angels
Watch us from our birth:
The good, the bad, the ugly too
All keep an eye on you
Watching, waiting to see our path
Which we choose to go on: what to do?
Yes, they watch with bated breath
Ready to make their play
On & in & around our hearts & minds
Determined upon interfering some times
At others, just waiting to see how we fare?
Looking to see how far we dare
In seeking out our undertakings &
Waiting, anticipating
Ready to jump in at whatever moment
We are tempted by succumbing to sin!

While you were sleeping

While you were sleeping across the other side of the world
The sun rose out of the eastern skies telling me it was time to rise
Heralding the promise of sunshine & another blessed day
While you were sleeping the birds began to sing in the new day
They sang with such beauty, such joy, blessing the day to come
I imagined God looking down upon us all in His unconditional love
While you were sleeping I travelled far & wide to see my girl
Though the heat was terrible, the sun seared the very air around
I had the pleasure of driving with the air-conditioner on
While you were sleeping I played with my precious grandchildren
We had the best of times, sitting in a tiny swimming pool
Enjoying the freshwater fun away from the glaring sun
While you were sleeping we travelled back & forth
Yes we travelled south from the hot, hot north, checked out the house
Yes we had a look at the new home where we will share new days
While you were sleeping we watched the rain fall down in sheets
Covering everything around, oh how I love that pattering sound
The air refreshed, the heaviness gone away, negative ions at play
While you were sleeping we ate our meals together as a family
We shared the laughter & the joys of another beautiful day
Yes while you were sleeping all these things happened to me
So far away across the seven seas, overland up over mountains
My heart soared with love for my dear family, my thoughts were with you

Busy body

Busy body, empty mind
Looking to dig up
Anything you find
Busy body
Always sticking your nose
In those places that you shouldn't go
Busy body
Looking out your window
Peeking from behind your blind
Poor old busy body
Your life is so dull
You need to poke and prod
It is a shame: you think you are God!

Self image- self esteem

Growing from child to teen was difficult for me. I already felt bad because I hated my caterpillar eyebrows & my too long nose & also my ears stuck out! I was not even 5 ft tall & I felt left out because I had nobody at school who was my best friend. Living out o f the town of Moorook made it difficult to make & keep friends because those who lived in the town were the ones who got to go to friend’s places after school & have sleepovers because of the closeness to each other’s places. My only close contacts were my cousins & any Hungarian families whom we all visited regularly. There were only 2 girls around my age: Martha & Elizabeth! Martha was my best friend because she was only 2 years younger than me while Elizabeth was 4 to 5 years younger.

I was a tomboy because all my close cousins were boys & so I enjoyed climbing trees & getting dirty & doing all the male oriented stuff like playing cowboys & Indians with my big brother.  My favourite place was my almond tree & here I could fantasise about all sorts of fun things. That tree was my castle, my cubby house, my everything! I spent a lot of time climbing up that tree & living my make-believe life. That life was full of friends & I was loved & felt good about myself. When ever Martha came over we would use the grape vines as our cubby houses. When my dad had a cover crop between the vines the two of us would trample down paths & make rooms & houses & enjoy our cubby in the vines.

Of course we also had our fair share of fights & make-ups but that was how it was! We didn’t have much choice because we were the only two girls in our family groups. I loved Martha like the sister I never had & I know she felt the same. As far as we were concerned we were sisters & that was that! I know I missed Martha heaps whenever she left the area with her mother & later with her little brother to move elsewhere for different periods of time. Those were the times that I was the loneliest!

During primary school I was proud of myself for doing well. In the first few years I sometimes tied for first place & later on got a few 2^nd & 3^rds. By grade 6 I was very good at spelling & mental arithmetic & enjoyed learning. By high school I was only average because there were so many more students at high school. My auntie offered to cut & perm my hair for high school & I felt awkward because everyone seemed more advanced growth-wise. Two well endowed girls enjoyed teasing me because I had no boobs & didn’t need to wear bras. In the end I had to beg mum to buy some underwear that had a little bikini type top so that they would leave me alone!

As Martha & her mum settled back in Riverland after one of their trips I was disappointed because she ended up going to a different high school. Gradually I found another friend & ended up spending time with Wendy from Loxton North. Wendy was my friend for many years & even helped me pluck my horrid eyebrows for the first time! Boy did we go overboard with those hated black eyebrows. I remember being bridesmaid for my cousin’s wedding. I begged & begged Julie to pluck my eyebrows but she wouldn’t because she said it was up to my mum. I envied Martha because her mum always plucked her eyebrows & so Martha was allowed to do so as well! The same with shaving our awful hairy legs! My mum didn’t do any of that girly stuff so she never even thought about it! I used to borrow my dad’s razor to shave my legs until my dad got really upset one day complaining about how useless his new razor blades were! From then on I was lucky enough to get a couple of dollars for my allowance so I could buy my own. It was really important to be able to feel like all the other girls at school.

Those were the days when we weren’t allowed to wear any makeup, nail polish & our hems had to be exactly 6 inches above our knees when kneeling. We used to have spot checks all the time with teachers descending upon us with rulers at any time of the week. We used to freeze our arses off during winter because girls weren’t allowed to wear long pants to school either. I remember blue legs being the norm on many a cold day at school, especially after riding my bike that last kilometre to & from the bus early in the mornings & late afternoons.

Fitting in at high school was awful! I envied the pretty girls who had no problem fitting in & being the most popular. I was always too shy & too scared to even say boo in class. I was terrified if any teacher were to ask me for an answer. I tried to sit quietly & was too scared to even ask for help if I didn’t understand anything. I had one English teacher for most of my middle school years & he didn’t seem to like anything I wrote. No matter what I did I couldn’t get any better than a C for that subject. Low self-esteem from that class overflowed into my other classes & so I struggled to pass. My favourite subject was Classical Studies & I did okay in that subject. I really tried hardest for classics because I had a crush on my teacher as well! That certainly helped!

Finally after barely passing my year 12 subjects; I am so glad that I went back & did year 13 as we got a new English teacher. I loved Mrs Di Fischer because she gave me some self confidence at long last. That very first lesson she came in & stated what was expected of us & then she said “now let’s get to know each other!” I was happy for the first time in my whole 6 years at Loxton high school. I finally felt able to ask if I needed help. I feel sorry for my poor Maths teacher Mr Mattner because I just never got it! Finally in year 13 I understood what that poor man had been trying to teach me for the past two years. Eureka! My self confidence in English then overflowed into all my other subjects & I was able to pass my exams & apply for university. That really felt good!

Getting into university was not the end of my problems, far from it in fact. A whole new set of problems appeared because I had gone back to school, for that year: all the other students from Loxton who did go to uni the year before were now in totally different classes to me! I had to go to uni & find a whole new group of friends & classmates. Coming from a country area & going to university was a whole new board game. I had to move out of home. As my parents were considered well-off by the government I had no help. Mum & dad had to pay my rent which wasn’t too bad at $11 a week & I got youth allowance. That still wasn’t enough so I had to get a job as well!

Having never been in that situation before, nor knowing anyone going to uni before me I had no idea of what I was in for. Getting second hand books was easy enough but I didn’t know how many books I’d have to read for my English studies let alone where to get help if I needed it. Remember I was always too scared to ask. Well now I had no choice! If I wanted to pass I would have to overcome my fears & start asking questions. Easier said than done!

This was no longer like high school. There were no teachers telling us what to do; I had to find out for myself & get it done without any help from my parents or even class mates as I didn’t find it easy making friends. I struggled along with my subjects during the day & felt so lonely at night. I used to catch the bus into the city from my shared half-house in Marion Street Unley & go to pubs & discos trying to meet people. I managed to get a part-time job at Bertie’s Pancake Factory in Gilbert Place on Saturday nights & that helped to make ends meet. It was difficult to get a job even then as I was already 19 years of age & way over the age that they usually employed people.

Sharing the small 3 bedroom half-house with a primary school friend’s brother & his mate from Teacher’s College was good because I didn’t feel quite as lonely. Alf & Bryce were decent blokes & we all took it in turns to cook & clean up. I thought Bryce was very nice as he offered to take the smallest room so I could have the slightly larger bedroom while he had the tiny sleep-out. After a while we became more than friends & had a relationship for a few months. I felt guilty & broke it off for some silly treason & never saw him again after that year.

In my loneliness I wandered around the city looking for someone to be my friend, to love me & care for me. I did a lot of that in my search for love & friendship. There were so many lonely people out there & I thought that surely I could find someone to care about me. There was no way that I could go back home to live. I enjoyed the freedom of being able to make up my own mind about so many things & so I made my own choices. That’s what it all boils down to really: choices! We all have the ability to choose what we want in life. We think we know what we want but have no real idea about what we are doing. Yes! I had the freedom to go where I wanted, when I wanted & to what I wanted but I really had no idea what it was that I was searching for.

I ended up giving everything to anyone who would look at me & give me the time of day. I ended up being used & discarded by many a young man who thought nothing of taking what they needed & leaving me with nothing. Not even my pride. Hey I didn’t really have any to start with so how was I supposed to know what I was missing. What I was allowing to happen because I was so desperate to have anyone, anybody to show a little interest in me. I didn’t value myself so why would anyone value me? I didn’t value my body so I gave everything to anyone who was the slightest bit interested. Boy what a big mistake!