Self image- self esteem

Growing from child to teen was difficult for me. I already felt bad because I hated my caterpillar eyebrows & my too long nose & also my ears stuck out! I was not even 5 ft tall & I felt left out because I had nobody at school who was my best friend. Living out o f the town of Moorook made it difficult to make & keep friends because those who lived in the town were the ones who got to go to friend’s places after school & have sleepovers because of the closeness to each other’s places. My only close contacts were my cousins & any Hungarian families whom we all visited regularly. There were only 2 girls around my age: Martha & Elizabeth! Martha was my best friend because she was only 2 years younger than me while Elizabeth was 4 to 5 years younger.

I was a tomboy because all my close cousins were boys & so I enjoyed climbing trees & getting dirty & doing all the male oriented stuff like playing cowboys & Indians with my big brother.  My favourite place was my almond tree & here I could fantasise about all sorts of fun things. That tree was my castle, my cubby house, my everything! I spent a lot of time climbing up that tree & living my make-believe life. That life was full of friends & I was loved & felt good about myself. When ever Martha came over we would use the grape vines as our cubby houses. When my dad had a cover crop between the vines the two of us would trample down paths & make rooms & houses & enjoy our cubby in the vines.

Of course we also had our fair share of fights & make-ups but that was how it was! We didn’t have much choice because we were the only two girls in our family groups. I loved Martha like the sister I never had & I know she felt the same. As far as we were concerned we were sisters & that was that! I know I missed Martha heaps whenever she left the area with her mother & later with her little brother to move elsewhere for different periods of time. Those were the times that I was the loneliest!

During primary school I was proud of myself for doing well. In the first few years I sometimes tied for first place & later on got a few 2^nd & 3^rds. By grade 6 I was very good at spelling & mental arithmetic & enjoyed learning. By high school I was only average because there were so many more students at high school. My auntie offered to cut & perm my hair for high school & I felt awkward because everyone seemed more advanced growth-wise. Two well endowed girls enjoyed teasing me because I had no boobs & didn’t need to wear bras. In the end I had to beg mum to buy some underwear that had a little bikini type top so that they would leave me alone!

As Martha & her mum settled back in Riverland after one of their trips I was disappointed because she ended up going to a different high school. Gradually I found another friend & ended up spending time with Wendy from Loxton North. Wendy was my friend for many years & even helped me pluck my horrid eyebrows for the first time! Boy did we go overboard with those hated black eyebrows. I remember being bridesmaid for my cousin’s wedding. I begged & begged Julie to pluck my eyebrows but she wouldn’t because she said it was up to my mum. I envied Martha because her mum always plucked her eyebrows & so Martha was allowed to do so as well! The same with shaving our awful hairy legs! My mum didn’t do any of that girly stuff so she never even thought about it! I used to borrow my dad’s razor to shave my legs until my dad got really upset one day complaining about how useless his new razor blades were! From then on I was lucky enough to get a couple of dollars for my allowance so I could buy my own. It was really important to be able to feel like all the other girls at school.

Those were the days when we weren’t allowed to wear any makeup, nail polish & our hems had to be exactly 6 inches above our knees when kneeling. We used to have spot checks all the time with teachers descending upon us with rulers at any time of the week. We used to freeze our arses off during winter because girls weren’t allowed to wear long pants to school either. I remember blue legs being the norm on many a cold day at school, especially after riding my bike that last kilometre to & from the bus early in the mornings & late afternoons.

Fitting in at high school was awful! I envied the pretty girls who had no problem fitting in & being the most popular. I was always too shy & too scared to even say boo in class. I was terrified if any teacher were to ask me for an answer. I tried to sit quietly & was too scared to even ask for help if I didn’t understand anything. I had one English teacher for most of my middle school years & he didn’t seem to like anything I wrote. No matter what I did I couldn’t get any better than a C for that subject. Low self-esteem from that class overflowed into my other classes & so I struggled to pass. My favourite subject was Classical Studies & I did okay in that subject. I really tried hardest for classics because I had a crush on my teacher as well! That certainly helped!

Finally after barely passing my year 12 subjects; I am so glad that I went back & did year 13 as we got a new English teacher. I loved Mrs Di Fischer because she gave me some self confidence at long last. That very first lesson she came in & stated what was expected of us & then she said “now let’s get to know each other!” I was happy for the first time in my whole 6 years at Loxton high school. I finally felt able to ask if I needed help. I feel sorry for my poor Maths teacher Mr Mattner because I just never got it! Finally in year 13 I understood what that poor man had been trying to teach me for the past two years. Eureka! My self confidence in English then overflowed into all my other subjects & I was able to pass my exams & apply for university. That really felt good!

Getting into university was not the end of my problems, far from it in fact. A whole new set of problems appeared because I had gone back to school, for that year: all the other students from Loxton who did go to uni the year before were now in totally different classes to me! I had to go to uni & find a whole new group of friends & classmates. Coming from a country area & going to university was a whole new board game. I had to move out of home. As my parents were considered well-off by the government I had no help. Mum & dad had to pay my rent which wasn’t too bad at $11 a week & I got youth allowance. That still wasn’t enough so I had to get a job as well!

Having never been in that situation before, nor knowing anyone going to uni before me I had no idea of what I was in for. Getting second hand books was easy enough but I didn’t know how many books I’d have to read for my English studies let alone where to get help if I needed it. Remember I was always too scared to ask. Well now I had no choice! If I wanted to pass I would have to overcome my fears & start asking questions. Easier said than done!

This was no longer like high school. There were no teachers telling us what to do; I had to find out for myself & get it done without any help from my parents or even class mates as I didn’t find it easy making friends. I struggled along with my subjects during the day & felt so lonely at night. I used to catch the bus into the city from my shared half-house in Marion Street Unley & go to pubs & discos trying to meet people. I managed to get a part-time job at Bertie’s Pancake Factory in Gilbert Place on Saturday nights & that helped to make ends meet. It was difficult to get a job even then as I was already 19 years of age & way over the age that they usually employed people.

Sharing the small 3 bedroom half-house with a primary school friend’s brother & his mate from Teacher’s College was good because I didn’t feel quite as lonely. Alf & Bryce were decent blokes & we all took it in turns to cook & clean up. I thought Bryce was very nice as he offered to take the smallest room so I could have the slightly larger bedroom while he had the tiny sleep-out. After a while we became more than friends & had a relationship for a few months. I felt guilty & broke it off for some silly treason & never saw him again after that year.

In my loneliness I wandered around the city looking for someone to be my friend, to love me & care for me. I did a lot of that in my search for love & friendship. There were so many lonely people out there & I thought that surely I could find someone to care about me. There was no way that I could go back home to live. I enjoyed the freedom of being able to make up my own mind about so many things & so I made my own choices. That’s what it all boils down to really: choices! We all have the ability to choose what we want in life. We think we know what we want but have no real idea about what we are doing. Yes! I had the freedom to go where I wanted, when I wanted & to what I wanted but I really had no idea what it was that I was searching for.

I ended up giving everything to anyone who would look at me & give me the time of day. I ended up being used & discarded by many a young man who thought nothing of taking what they needed & leaving me with nothing. Not even my pride. Hey I didn’t really have any to start with so how was I supposed to know what I was missing. What I was allowing to happen because I was so desperate to have anyone, anybody to show a little interest in me. I didn’t value myself so why would anyone value me? I didn’t value my body so I gave everything to anyone who was the slightest bit interested. Boy what a big mistake!