Too shy to say Boo!

At high school I was too scared to even say Boo! Why? I was so scared of being noticed for any reason. I was too embarrassed to be noticed because of my horrible brown school shoes. Too embarrassed to be noticed because of the horrid hair cut my aunty had given me as my graduation present for going to high school. Way too embarrassed because of the awful perm my auntie’s friend  had given me & of course all the other usual embarrassments of going to a new school & mixing with a whole heap of new students from all the other small & large primary schools in the area. What could be worse?

Although I’d done well at Moorook Primary School, I was just one of the masses of year 8’s at Loxton high: all vying for attention from the teachers & trying to survive the transition from small to large school: from Primary to Secondary school: from child to adult via my education. Help! Yes, I was supposedly ready to enter this new period in my life where I could blossom from caterpillar to butterfly but I wanted to stay safely in my chrysalis stage & not make a peep as I struggled my way from ugly little grub to beautiful butterfly! Let me stay cocooned inside this safety barrier all through the awkward process & then just magically appear as the end result! Let me not have to show myself or let anyone notice that I am less than prefect! Please help me to hide amongst all the newbies & just allow me to struggle with my already obvious differences & get through all this strange stuff as quickly and as unobtrusively as possible.

Along with this intense fear of being found different; there was also inside me this strong urge to be noticed as I progressed in my studies. I wanted to be number one again; to be the best in the class like I used to be in Primary school. I was soon to realise that those days were over & that I was just one of many ordinary teens in the whole sea of teens all having to swim our way through the turbulent mass of life that I was now a tiny part of. I was no longer the smart one, just on of many tiny fish in the seas of my new school. I was just the same as everyone else & yet I was still me: just lost in the crowds of all the other similar new year 8’s: all trying to fit into this whole ne scheme of things!

When ever I had female teachers it wasn’t too bad. It was the male teachers who frightened me. This was back in the days when teachers could throw chalk at you if you pissed them off; when you would be hit on the head with a text book if you were being silly in class. The really obnoxious boys would be regularly sent to the Principal’s office for a caning. Though I never drew the anger of the teachers to me in any of these ways I saw what happened to the others & was terrified that it would happen to me if I ever stepped out of line.

This little chicken was never going to draw the attention to her failings in any way, shape or form if she could help it! This little chicken would just try to fly under the radar & not be noticed at all!

So life continued & I went along in my merry little way: trying to do what was expected of me; nothing more, nothing less! I survived in this rat race & got reasonable makes & desperately wanted to fit in & belong in some small way to this group of my peers that I would continue to interact with throughout my high school years.  I missed my friend Martha who was going to different schools where ever she & her mum were living at the time. I missed having a friend that I could confide in & I missed the feeling of safety that I’d grown accustomed to in my smaller primary school. Everything was totally different & I just had to get used to it all!

Eventually I made friends & started to enjoy my days at school but I was still very alone amongst so many people. Just like at primary school: I found it difficult to become close friends with girls in Loxton because of the distance. This made it difficult for us to have a stay-over at any one’s place. As well as being 30 miles away I had to ride my bike to & from the bus stop which was 2 miles from our home. Mum & dad were always working & had no time to take us to the bus stop & back so it was ride or walk the distance every day! I envied those who live din the town of Loxton just like I’d envied the girls who lived in the town of Moorook. They had it so much easier than me & always would find it simpler to keep up a close connection with friends who were like them in that better situation.

Homework was another problem. I had no-one to help me with any questions at home & I was always too afraid to ask anyone at school. I was also too embarrassed to ask in class & didn’t have the courage or even the thought of asking afterwards. Luckily I was able to do reasonably well in most of my subjects & so I continued in my limited way & managed to pass my studies. I was never in the top percentage of students but I didn’t care because I was passing & that was enough for me.