Diary of a broken heart

Did I not have enough faith? Lord?

Did my prayers not have enough depth?

I loved her like my own! Lord!

I have faith in your powers!

Was it not enough?

What did I do wrong?

Did I not love enough?

I miss you so much already Ehra!

I can’t go on line and talk to you any more!

You’re gone. You no longer exist!

But my pain and sorrow goes on!

I cry for you! I am despairing for your loss!

Why should you be gone after just 18 years of life?

Why do others still live; while you are gone?

I tried to comfort you that night before your operation.

You were crying inconsolably.

I couldn’t do anything to help you!

Though I tried to be calm, I felt so useless against your fear and sorrow!

You were so scared. You didn’t want to go.

Michael and I both felt so useless!

After Michael broke up with you, he was so upset!

It was only a few weeks ago.

He’d had enough! Can you blame him?

Do you know how much stress he’s been under?

He couldn’t take it anymore of the ups and downs!

He’d come to his breaking point!

Enough is enough!

You’d tried to break up with him so many times.

You kept saying you didn’t want to hurt him!

Yet he hurt!

You hurt!

We all suffered!

Did you have some sense, some inkling of what was to come?

Did you know how it would be?

You said your heart was weak and you had no hope of living a long life!

You’d had several heart attacks.

You never told Michael about them!

You kept it to yourself, even during your whole relationship!

Your lips were sealed!

I had to sit back and watch as Chael went berserk in his room; 
screaming and shouting; hitting things because you’d broken up with him once again!

How many times during the past year did I have to listen and watch as he lost it? 
Yelling, screaming, crying out!

I remember most clearly the night he was yelling in the kitchen!

I heard the cutlery draw open! I saw him with the knife in his hand!

His eyes darting, his mouth agape! So upset!

“Maybe if I cut myself? “

“If I take a photo of my bloody hand?”

“Will she see that I love her?”

“Give me the knife!” I said

“You don’t want to do this! Nobody is worth that!”

“I just want to show her how much I love her! “

“I’d do anything for her!”

“Why can’t she see that?”

“Why can’t she see that I love her?”

As I sit here now I think back to all the times I had to go “talk” to her on-line.

To sort things out!

To help smooth it all over.

“Don’t hurt my son!”

“He loves you so much!”

“Why are you being so naughty? Mean?”

“I am naughty!” You said

“I don’t believe you! “ I said.

“You’re a good girl!”

“I don’t know? I just don’t want to hurt him!”

“But you are hurting him! Right now!”

Cremation!

 All gone!

Your auntie said you’d died!

She said you cried out Michael’s name when you passed!

Now; it’s like you never existed!

But you are still here!

In my mind; in my heart!

I still cry for you!

The tears slip down my cheeks.

They squeeze out from my eyes when I let down my guard!

Your photo is still on Michael’s phone:

So beautiful!

So young!

So alive!

I love you still!

Why couldn’t I save you?

Why were my prayers not enough?

I spoke to you so many times, with love!

We got on so well! You called me ‘mom’!

I called you my daughter!

I meant it!

You were my girl! I wanted so much for you to live happily ever after!

With my son!

I dreamt of a little girl for the two of you!

You never could have had a child!

That would have killed you!

I could only dream of a life for you!

Here! As part of my family!

With my darling son Michael!

He begged you to come here! Not to go to New York!

“Please come here! I will take care of you!”

“I‘ll do anything for you!”

“We can get married”

“It’s too soon!” you said.

“How about a long engagement?” We both said!

“Please come and be with me!”

Don’t be dead!

Please just do this for me!

Just like at the end of Sherlock Holmes, series 2.

Please just for me!

A miracle!

Don’t be dead!

Thursday 1/3/2012

Feeling so sick! Caught that cold! Now I’m not just down and depressed!

Michael told me that Ehra was in a coma for 5 days.

So she’s not dead!

Then why lie and say she’s dead!

Just to lay the blame on my son!

He just turned 17 last week! He knew they all blamed him for her death.

He thought he was guilty! He was so upset ands depressed.

Couldn’t cope! Just slept a lot!

Is this some kind of cruel joke?

Some prank?

Are we supposed to laugh now?

I’m so glad she’s better- anything is better than dead at 18.

I am happy!

My prayers have been answered then!

Thank you Lord!

I can forgive them for the lies. They only want what’s best for her.

They love her so much! But why lie?

I believed everything they said!

I was so sad, so upset for their loss!

But it was a lie!

Has it all been a lie?

I can understand how they want her to remain theirs. They love her. 
Have loved her- all their lives!

But why lie? About her death?

Why put us through so much? Is it for revenge?

To get back at us for loving her and wanting her to come here and be with us?

I suppose I can understand their thinking!

My mind still goes back over all our conversations while you were at the hospital. 
I chatted to your mum while they carried out the tests.

I understood her fears! She told me how you almost died at 1 day old. 
How she would rather have lost you then, than have to lose you now! After 18 years! 
A mother understands the pain of another mother!

We chatted and I thought we got on well!

We even talked to Auntie when you weren’t responding to your medication after your operation. We prayed and prayed for your precious life to be saved!

Auntie even apologised for not letting you come for a visit, while you were in Melbourne. She was so sorry for forcing her will upon you; simply because she could afford to do so as she controlled the finances.

Auntie asked us to come to the hospital to see if you would respond to our voices. 
We would have done anything to help and said so! She offered to pay for our passports and all travel required: to get us there.

We waited!

Then they all had a change of heart! What if you did respond and then we had to leave for home again? Then what?

We waited and waited! No news for ages. Then the weekend was upon us and nothing could be done to organize anything!

Then came the news that you’d died! The blame was laid at our door! We were so distraught! Poor Michael was devastated! Me too!

Then came the accusations from her cousins!

“It’s all your fault!”

The blame game!

To make us feel even worse than we already were! Hurtful words! 

Thrown at people already hurting and unable to get there or do anything about it! 
Saddened and hurting with their family but not wanted or accepted! 
Blamed for everything! So unfair!

4/4/12

Finally got a message from dear Ehra herself!

Finally able to send a message!

Apologising for her family.

Apologising for the misunderstandings and accusations made in her name!

Now recuperating and convalescing! 
Finally able to send a heartfelt message of love!

Oh Ehra, I love you and will always think of you as my daughter! 
No matter what has happened! 
Thank God you are alive! 
That is all I really care about!